I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine...

"For eternity
All my heart will sing
All the glory to Your Name"

As I was singing this song during last Sunday's service, a thought saying that 'I'm your husband' came to mind. Knowing that this might be His voice, I asked further...'Yes, I know that but how can this bring a difference? And what are you actually trying to say?' A sense of Him saying 'If I'm your husband, that means I'll take care of you. I'll take care of your needs, I'll take care of your future, I'll take care of your strength, I'll take care of your encouragements, I'll take care of your love, I will take care of you. Trust me.' Hearing this, I'm blown away and realized how much I have walked away from this relationship of trusting Him. For years, I've learned about Him, I saw His faithfulness and goodness yet...I've chosen to place my trust in what's more practical or things that make more sense. I've walked in my own trust and understanding.
As I continue to ponder about this, I know He's calling me to come back to the journey of re-trusting Him- to know that He won't forsake me nor leave me.
I think I'm now at the stage of learning to see Him more from a new and fresh perspective. I've been called for this commitment, and my responsibility in this relationship is to trust that He can take care of me and trust that He's able.
And I'm learning...

The fight!

Somehow after my class today, my heart still digesting the new truth that I've been learning and I thought I should write it down for you so both you and I will walk this course of life together and learning to trust Him more. As most of you have known, I'm currently a student in SBS (school of Biblical study) and I'm now in my second semester of school and also in Old Testament phase. We just finished the Pentateuch (the first five books) and this week, we're doing Joshua...well, the learning process has been tremendously good but I want to specially draw your attention to this week's learning journey:

Joshua; as many of us know or heard it, this book talked about how God's commissioning Joshua to take Moses' place in leading the 3 million (or so) people into the Promised Land, miracles at Jordan river, Jericho and etc. I've been believing that this is a good book when I feel discouraged or when I want to tell a story to the little ones but little did I know that this book speaks beyond that.

Through this book, we're given the change to look in depth who are the 'first hearers/ readers (the people at that time)' their situation and Joshua's.

'Be strong and courageous'- a nice phrase that I used to quote whenever I struggled through circumstances. Hence, this is an encouragement and assurance Joshua needed to hear from God! Simply because of fear, uncertainty of how to lead this massive group of people and having Moses no longer with him...I bet Joshua isn't in any good shape of faith though he's a great warrior BUT this book also taking about God's faithfulness, so faithful that He fought for them, so faithful that Joshua continued to devote himself to trust God even when God gave out non-military strategies in bringing down the enemies.

Seeing God's heart and seeing Joshua's trust, am challenged to check my heart too. Do I truly trust God? Do I choose to love Him alone? Do I fully give myself just to have Him alone in my life and etc...

Friends, I don't know which stage of life you're in? Whether you're studying, working, waiting, hoping and etc, I think the question is how much do you and I want to trust or hope even when things don't go our ways, even when things uncomfortable...how much? How much do we trust? Do we see/ understand first then trust/ obey or do we obey first then understand?

These are the questions that were asked this morning in class:

1)What is the will of God for you?

2)Do you need courage to do it?

3)What are your challenges/ concerns in doing it?

And do I have good answer for these? Yes, definitely yes...but as I processed through, I learnt that my fear and doubt are much bigger than my trust in Him. And today, am personally challenged with these questions 'do I want to hold on to Him? Do I want to continue to fight like Joshua? Do I want to step forward without knowing whether changes will take place? Or do I only step forward when I have the formulas, ideas and understanding?'

Friends, as you and I journey this path, I pray we'll continue to keep our eyes on Him, I know it won't be easy but it's better than being lost without Him. I pray as we display His light and bringing changes, we will see Him too. And we'll learn to see that we aren't fighting alone but with the Master of the universe- the One who knows us better.

To sum up: What rings continually in my thought are:

- Communion/ fellowship with God comes power.

- I'm not fighting alone.

- He's faithful and will continue to stay faithful.

Perhaps

During class today/ game day today, in fear of pressure and others' judgment, I said something that attracted more attention from others- I don't like be the center of the attention both to be teased (jokingly) or approval/ praises...these just give butterflies in me and causing me feel uncomfortable.

Hmm...I just don't seem to understand why such feeling is rising up more and more lately. I must say that since I've been doing this school; many of my discomfort, uneasiness, my own personal judgment, fear and etc started to surface. Perhaps, it's time to be crushed, changed, dug out in order that new and solid foundation can be taken place. Perhaps, He's teaching my to direct my focus back to Him; to look up to Him rather than look down on myself. Perhaps, it's time for me to trust at His character rather than my own-righteousness...Perhaps...Perhaps...

Jesus Culture - Come Away - Rooftops

Even in the midst of studying You, I want You, I want a fresh encounter with You, no longer work, task, assignments to see You but just simply have a moment with You... I want YOU!

Living my talk...

"He will provide", "He's able", "He's faithful"...

I taught on these, I taught on His nature and characters (though am still learning), I taught on His faithfulness and etc yet I feel this topic is after me, challenging me, re-shaping me, nudging me to test if I'm truly believe what I've spoken/ taught. An inch of my understanding of who He is will not be moved yet to walk through this journey or more specifically this last week in Sabah does challenge me to hang on to His promises. At least SD 2550 ( minus 3 months food budgets, transportation and personal needs) need to be at sight before the 28th this month or before i leave to Singapore. Inside me began to ask 'why not somewhere cheaper?', 'How will this take place?'... I know He'll provide but my mind is boggling with 'when will this take place'? Will i leave Sabah with the needed finances? And if i through this 3 months, how will i through the next 6 months?
So...the verdict? Am I still believing that He's faithful or just the 'fleshly me' began to worry and take on fear? Do I know He CAN? Yes, I 100% sure and know but to be balance on this trust and unseen provision, I must say am a bit wavering.

LORD, I know You will provide. Let me have Your rest and assurance.

Facts about life.

Bits and pieces from Auntie Voonli's teaching on Identity:

10 areas that can't be changed.

1. Your parents.
2. Time and history: I'm created for this age/ time because I'm suppose to do something at this age. I'm put in this time of history and have a call.
3. Your race.
4. Your gender.
5. Birth order.
6. Siblings.
7. Aging: Every age brings special teachings and experiences to life. This is the season of life that will live me. Don't miss out what God has for me now.
8. Physical features.
9. Gifts and ability: Don't focus on what you don't have but find it, rejoice in it and use it. Grow in your identity and God will draw out more and use it.
10. National heritage.

Other good points:
- God can redeem everything that's dead and given to Him because that's the power of redemption.
- The work of redemption of God will work in you if you know how to offer it to God.

counting the blessings...

Haven't been able to have proper sleep lately maybe because the depth of me is terrifying of how to live in a foreign land for 9 months without fix income and rely only with the trust and knowledge that He'll provide. As i waken up each time with little prayer of 'God, you will have to provide', 'God, how will i through this?' and etc, i felt my inside crunched with nervousness and gripping unto His promises at the same time. I know He'll do it at His timing.

Despite of being in the stage of wondering and waiting, I felt challenged to list down the goodness of Him. These; are His proven goodness...
- Freedom that i can't earn, get or buy it from anywhere. Freedom that's beyond any prices.
- He sustained me; when i think i can't, He's there with me and guide me.
- Reconciled to Him; the ultimate forgiver, lover, friend and Freedom owner.
- Friends that want to be part of my life, walk with me through my ups and downs.
- Provision at the nick of time; haven't go without yet.
- Relationship with those around me that happened out of respect, love, acceptance, forgiveness, being myself...
- Shoes (which to get even a pair of big size shoes here in Sabah is a great pain)
- Hand phone (though it's 2nd hand but it's still in good condition, all i need to do is change the casing and i get to choose whatever color i want for it plus it comes with 2gb memory card. Yes...FOR FREE)
- Travel bag (need not to spend another 100++ bucks for a travel bag because someone lend it to me.)
- A new water bottle.
- Most important thing is...I've songs in my heart!!!

Hmm...at the same time, I've still praying for these:
- A digital camera..
- A laptop (preferably 11 inch laptop) - for works and traveling.
- Monthly supporters
- To grow deeper in Him.