Just within the span of few days, stories of 'pain, betrayal and unfaithfulness' were in my hearing again. As I listened and watching the lips of friends retelling their journey of pain, I couldn't help but pained with them. And in the moment of following their stories, I kept hearing my heart beating out the words 'Oh Lord, have mercy. Oh Lord, could you please meet this hurt?'

Somehow I could identify this pain although I've not experience thus far. I could now pain along with those who are hurting, praying & hoping His hand will calm the storms of their hearts, and somehow I began to have a little understanding of what MERCY means.

Year 2007; I asked the questions 'How could I help? How could I bring changes? I don't understand this pain, I don't know what to do?' when I felt Him speaking to me about MERCY. Years passed, and I was secretly thankful that He hasn't reminded me this questions. But as I journey through the last 2 years, I began to slowly see the meaning of it. I learned that I'm not made out of steel. My feeling, emotions and pain are real, and I learned that there's no human being could touch the deepest me, no human being could soothe the deepest pain even if I've countless honest talks with others. I realized that in the deepest pain, lost and uncertainties...He is still the best place to run to. I came to understand what Psalm 139 said 'For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb...' 

And where else could I run to if not to the Creator of me? Even if things don't seem fair, where else could I run to? He might not giving me the answers that I want but I know He has the most sturdy, unchangeable and trustworthy character. Well...even if I don't get my answers, I want to still hang on to Him. 

I'm yet to learn this MERCY and as He continues to bring people & friends with such stories, I pray that I'll see Him more. I may not have the best answers to give them but I know He hears them, and all that I-feeling-emotion-made person will fail not to usher them to Father's heart through prayers and encouragement. As for now, I couldn't give much but I know I could hope much. As I continue to walk my life in this world, may I learn to see this MERCY.

TRUST because knowing...

For years, I've been praying 'Teach me the meaning of trust. Teach me how to trust.' But today, this revelation hits me home 'TRUST means to know one's character.'

I've heard saying that said 'trust me' & also the saying that said 'I can't trust you'. When I was slammed with the words 'I can't trust you', I found myself began asking the questions 'what have I done wrong? Why can't you trust me? and etc'...But today, this truth again taught me that we could trust when we make the choice to get to know the person or when we're given the opportunities to learn about the person's likes & dislikes. Otherwise, how else or what else is the best way to know him/her?

From acquaintances to friendships and then to best friends; this, I think is the only way we could learn to trust oneself progressively. Because it's through these stages of relationships that we learn about one's characters. And through it, we grow to either love them to pieces or learn to keep loving them.

With this saying, I think this also reflect the way we could TRUST the Almighty. Too often we say 'I trust you' yet at the same time, we choose not to invest in the relationship with Him. When unforeseen or undesirable circumstances took place, we asked the questions 'Whys?' I know I've the same approach when things don't go my way. I sang the song; 

'Indescribable, uncontainable, You place the stars in the sky and You know
Them by name, You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable, awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly
Proclaim, You are amazing God'

Yet, this truth isn't truth to me when unpleasant circumstances took place. Because I wanted my ways & failed to see His characters in such situations.

I guess this revelation challenges me to again see that 'it isn't the gifts/blessings that determine who He is but the character of Himself that determine the unchangeable Him.' And I know to come to this place of trust, is to allow myself to invest in the relationship; to study Him, to spend time with Him & to learn His likes and dislikes. 

 

Again, how else could I know Him? How else could I learn to trust Him? 

Thus, if this is the best way or the right way for you & I to trust Him. I guess this is also the best & right way for us to learn to invest in any relationships that we have around us - to make the choice to know oneself.

The moments

This picture came to mind during one of the worship time. Upon having this picture, a nudge in my heart telling me that 'it's never been His intention to hide things from His children.' Rejoice and thankful for this picture, I took it to heart until I learned that this picture speaks much more than that.
As I pondered what this picture actually really means, I see that it isn't the GIFT that He's interested but THE MOMENTS; the moments when it speaks out the relationship loudly, the moments when I'm like this little girl struggling with her very best to reach for the gift that's kept behind the father, the moments of  pleading him to show her the gift, the moments of him enjoying her and the closeness. Ahhh...it's THE MOMENTS that please His heart, it's THE MOMENTS that permeate His heart to want me to come close to Him. But I've got it all wrong, I looked pass His expression, His face and His laughter. And my ultimate focus isn't THE MOMENTS but the GIFT. I reached out my hands because of the GIFT, I pleaded to Him because of the GIFT, I laughed, giggled and sulked because I wanted Him to quickly show me the GIFT whilst He's having His best and precious MOMENTS with me. Oh how have I missed this point, how I've let the GIFT became my focus and not Him- His face, His love, His delight and satisfaction?

Ohhh...let me see you, let me see you as the GIVER of the gift not the GIFT itself. Help me treasure the MOMENTS with you, teach me to enjoy your closeness.

Beggar

A woman worthy to be loved,
a woman worthy to be praised, respect, 
a woman worthy to be pursued.
Called as a woman not a beggar.
Why would you stop your heart to have more of Him?
Why would you let yourself be trampled by fear?
You're too precious to be trampled,
too precious to be mocked, laughed,
too precious to look down at.
Pick up yourself!
Pick up your dignity!
Look up to Him, lift up your head,
walk securely, confidently, 
walk as one with victory not as defeated one.
You've treasure ahead of you!
Jump over the hurdle, jump! Jump!
Let not this hurdle stops you. Jump and run.
Run towards, run forwards, run ahead.
Run with your eyes setting for the goal, the finishing line - Look towards, look forwards,
don't look back, don't turn back.
You've run far, keep running, keep running, 
no turning back, no turning back.
You're precious to my thoughts,
you're too precious to be hurt,
You're too precious to be looked down.
I raise you up to be a woman, 
I didn't raise you up as a beggar.

'...Esther also was taken into the king's palace and put in custody of Hegai, who had charge of the women. And the young woman pleased him and won his favor...' Esther 2: 8-9
 
I've prepared you to meet the king.
I've prepared you in trusting and waiting.
As you through the process of waiting and trusting - will finally see the face of the king.
Like like a woman, live life out, live as one who is trained to be a queen.
I didn't take you and train you to be a beggar.
You've lived in that place before, would you see that you're no longer in that place?
Would you see that now you're in the palace?
Would you not see that I'm preparing you?
Would you not see that I'm introducing you beauty, royalty and wisdom?
Why craving for dust? Why craving for little - to just have enough for the day?
Why wanting to LIVE OUT when you could LIVE IN with me?
Come with Me, trust Me and let Me beautify you.
Let me train you.
Would you give your hand to trust Me?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC0WoJfYA2E&feature=share&list=RD02mNk72c42AsM

'Peace, be still!'

'Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?'
Mark 4:35-41

'Why did the disciples say this? What drove them to accuse Him for not caring for them and the situation?' Perhaps FEAR; Fear that drove them to come to Him at the first place, thinking that, 'How could you sleep soundly when we're in danger? Can't you see? Our lives are at stake?' Perhaps they're also thinking He could possibly do something about this after all the miracles? Perhaps...perhaps...

He said 'Peace, be still!' and 'Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?'

Why did He challenge their hearts? Why did He say 'come on, why need to be fearful, why do you have no faith? I'm HERE together WITH you in this boat, why would you be afraid? You've just witness the great works and miracles, why are you still fearful and uncertain with My ability to bring such peace to your hearts?'

'Tenang saja (just relax), I'm here, I'll take care of this. I CARE for you and that's why I am in the boat with you. Just stay close to me and know that I am here.'

Often time, we feel lonely in our walks and when circumstances and undesirable moments strike, we ask 'Where are you? Don't you care?'. We forget that He's IN us and WITH us. We declared the King of kings, the Lord of lords, the creator of the universe, the Great I am is OUR God but we dismissed this response when the great windstorm arises, we cast our eyes to the storm itself and no longer to the One who is able to say 'Peace, be still.' 

As I read through this passage, I see myself in these disciples -responding in fear, worry, distrust instead of responding in the knowledge that He cares, He knows and He's in the boat with me. I stretched my view away from Him and grasp unto any help I could get without realizing that He's JUST HERE with me. Ohhh...such a little faith I am. 

'Do you not care...?' shouldn't be my response whenever windstorm hits but 'Help me to see that You are HERE' should be my response instead.

Stepping unto the unknown

'...Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it.' Psalm 139:6

'Wow, this year will be my 10th year in Y!!!' as I explained it in great excitement to my fellow worker and telling her how He hasn't failed me once and how His finger prints were everywhere - I was amazed and thankful. I thought that conversation stopped there, little did I know He again bring another reminder of His faithfulness through another friend. 

Through coffee and cakes, this friend of mine shared how she'd obeyed with little in her hands and how He came through for her - with just a little step of obedience and trust. As I listened, memories of the past flashed back - packed with what I called my only earthly possession and a return ticket, I took the challenge to follow Him. Though I didn't understand then and questioned 'why' to such place, I accepted the challenge after being inspired by the book 'Is that really you God?' and ventured into the land that I called 'unknown', and the rest of the journey was indescribable-life-changed-moments. One major encouragement I had then was 'if He calls, He'll take care of me' and He sure did and that was 10 years ago!!! 

'Wow! This is how the people of faith make such choice; choice of following Him wholeheartedly, obeying Him even when things unsure, risking lives simply because of the unforgettable encounter with the Great one. Where am I now? After experienced Him and encountering His faithfulness these past years, where am I standing? Am I still desiring, pursuing and seeing Him as my ultimate one? Or have I let fear, insecurities and 'the-known-land' taking place? What do I want in my relationship with Him? Where is the courage,  fearlessness and trust that once led the way?' Question upon question began nudging my heart as we parted our ways. 

I don't have the answer but I know He's reminded me of His faithfulness TODAY and I know this is an INVITATION of trusting and obeying Him. I might not know what's the future and I might not have the answer of my 'whys' but I remember the replayed words of my school leader 'When we see Him face to face, we won't need to know the whys and reasons'. And yes, I would want to take the challenge again when He calls - to obey and step unto the unknown. 

May we; in our pursuit of our relationship with Him, will take on His invitation and step unto 'the call'.

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, 

 we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter,

and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, 

“The Lord has done great things for them.” 
 The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad.

 Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negeb! Those who sow in tears

shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.  Psalm 126:1-6

F.E.A.R

FEAR: False Expectations Appearing Real

'Overcoming doubt' was what written on the church's bulletin today. 'A rather interesting topic today', I thought. As I was listening to the preacher, my mind was trying to re-collect what has been taking place recently, how I've responded, how I was fearful and allowed doubt taking place.

Absorbing and processing the words coming out from the mouth of the preacher, I'm challenged  to see that

fear means no love which leads to distrust/ doubt and manipulation.Ohh...how I've failed to see that His love has enable me to walk in freedom!!!Instead of walking in this path, I've chosen to walk in fear which causes me to doubt Him and allow manipulation to take place. If only I've seen the power of His love, how He'd freely given Himself simply because of His genuine love for me, how He trusted that I will run to Him when I know Him and simply because He has the full understanding of  what power does a true love hold - a love that's genuine not forceful. 
This; indeed a call to learn to love - a call to understand, to receive and to experience a love [Him] that is able to cast out all fear ~ and I want to learn to love His way.

The chains of love are stronger than the chains of fear.

Author: William Gurnall